The Sith Stops Here
by Valairy Scot
Summary: A trashy holonovel turns our two heroes into caricatures of themselves, to Anakin's joy and ObiWan's disgust.


"Really, Master, jealousy is so unlike you. Tsk, tsk," Anakin grinned over at his master. "And falling in love with a beautiful Sith…they'll throw you off the Council once they find out."

"What intoxicating liquid have you consumed, oh former Padawan of mine?" The rhetorical question was pure Obi-Wan Kenobi, resigned, amused and long-suffering. The Jedi master lay in bed, eyes bandaged as they healed, damaged by a chemical explosion during their last campaign. His padawan lounged beside him, legs outstretched in the chair. It was a scene too oft-repeated in the Jedi Temple Healer's Ward: Kenobi/Skywalker were once again temporary residents.

"No intoxicants, Master. This holo-novel – why, you should see the cover. It looks like you plus twenty pounds of extra muscle, maybe an inch or so shorter since I tower over you. I am, of course, unnaturally handsome with sparkling teeth and brilliant blue eyes."

"Ah, fiction. Why are we on the cover of a holo-novel? I am reasonably sure that was not authorized by the Council."

"Oh, it gets better. There's this just absolutely stunning Twi'lek between us, gazing at me with adoring eyes – she loves me, you know, but you're upset because you love her and she's going for the younger, prettier one. That's the jealousy, in case you don't know."

Anakin looked over at Obi-Wan who was lying perfectly still. He waited, and waited, and waited some more until Obi-Wan had regained his equilibrium or found his calm center – whatever had held the Jedi silent for so long. Finally, his master sighed and conceded, "That was a good one, Anakin. However did you dream that up – and why?"

"It's real enough – I picked it up in lower Coruscant – I thought you might like me to read it to you while you're convalescing. Do you want to know the title?"

Silence. "No."

"The Sith Stops Here."

Silence. "No."

"Yes."

Obi-Wan groaned and slid down in the bed. "You're not teasing me…it's real?"

"Real enough. Even I couldn't come up with something like that."

"The Council should be informed. It's against Republic law to use Jedi likenesses in works of fiction."

Anakin chuckled. "Well, the two Jedi certainly look a lot like us, but there's enough differences you can argue that they are fictional characters. Their names are Avery Cloudtop and Odi Kendall."

"No!" The horrified exclamation burst from the Jedi master as he weakly shook his head.

"That sounds like utter rubbish and is probably written badly – you go read it if you want but trash it afterwards so I don't have to see it."

"Destroy literature! Master – I'm shocked at you. Mister free flow of ideas and thoughts – we should not censor things – we should experience everything in this magnificent galaxy and not turn our metaphysical noses against any cultural customs…."

"Anakin." The word was a command, and it interrupted him just as the padawan was embarking on his speech. "Very well. Let us hope it puts me out of my misery by putting me to sleep while you read it."

Anakin grinned. "You're a sport, Master. I'll read the summary first." He cleared his throat and read in a deliberate and ponderous voice. "Two of the Galaxy's bravest beings put their lives and friendship in danger when they encounter a beautiful damsel in distress. Obi Kendall falls for the young woman while the incredibly handsome Avery Cloudtop –"

"It doesn't say that!" Obi-Wan interrupted.

"How would you know? You can't see," Anakin snapped, eyes twinkling. "Anyway, the incredibly handsome – stop snorting, Master – Avery Cloudtop becomes the object of the damsel's love. Will this young woman break up the successful team and interfere with their mission? Will the somewhat dim-witted Jedi master pursue love even if it means becoming a private citizen? Will the young and smart Jedi – that's me, Master – save both his friendship, his master's honor and discover the diabolical truth? The Sith is out there, perhaps closer than the two Jedi realize."

"What pits of imagination did that author dredge this up from?" Obi-Wan demanded. He shuddered. "Dreadful. Which also brings up the question why did the author bring a Sith in to the story? No one but the Jedi suspect Sith involvement in the war; as far as the average citizen knows the Sith have been extinct for centuries."

"Heard of archives? Research?" For such an innocent question, it drew a strange reaction, for Obi-Wan clamped his hand on Anakin's arm. He hissed under his breath, "Mace. He said he had a new hobby. Writing bad fiction, under a pseudonym, I'll bet. He's just jealous he hasn't been on the Holonet lately."

"Oh, Master, you can't believe that. The man has no imagination at all. Now, the green troll – but no, I don't see any backwards language in the story."

"Editors," Obi-Wan muttered darkly. "They're out to destroy our reputations. Don't they realize it'll turn the Order into a laughingstock – destroyed by bad fiction rather than actual warfare? I'm never showing my face in public again."

A hand patted his reassuringly. "Don't worry, Master. Either your sight never comes back, or you can just keep that hood over your face."

"Sure, in public," Obi-Wan groaned. "But once back in battle – I can just see Cody's face. Why'd a Clone have to develop a sense of humor? I can't hide from my troops in a hood – how'll I fight?"

"Lead the charge," Anakin replied. It seemed rather obvious to him. "If you're out in front, as usual, you can't see the smirks behind you."

"I suppose you'll be strutting around like usual," Obi-Wan snapped.

"I have an admiring public to keep happy." And one wife he would be more than happy to strut his stuff for in private. He rather looked forward to that. Of course, Padme might not actually allow him to strut for long, why look when she could – he could feel his face turning red and hoped Obi-Wan wasn't that prescient on his thoughts.

"Um, okay," he hurriedly found the beginning. "It was a dark and stormy time in the galaxy – did you just snort, Master?"

"Rip off."

"No. The rip off would be if it started, 'It was a dark and stormy night,'" Anakin corrected smugly. "Shut up and let me read."

"At least that's one thing you learned," Obi-Wan muttered under his breath, knowing Anakin would hear and simply raise an eyebrow, a gesture he had learned from his master.

"To read? To correct one's betters? I'll have you know I knew how to read when I got to the Temple."

"Then why did you insist on disobeying signs, especially traffic signs, and constantly whine about how you didn't understand your homework assignments?"

"Because it gave you so much pleasure to scowl at me."

"Did not."

"Did too."

It was simply impossible to have a staring match when one party couldn't see. Besides, Anakin was right. Obi-Wan threw up his hands in surrender. Bed rest was not good for his temperament. "Force give me strength," he muttered, then louder. "Fine. Just read."

"_It was a dark and stormy time in the galaxy. The brave Jedi Knights, bastions of light and goodness, were all that stood between evil and good. Tallest of the tall were two of the bravest men the Jedi Order had seen in years: Avery Cloudtop and Odi Kendall. They were a team forged by destiny and a team forged by trials. When the galaxy faced its shroud of darkness, who else would you call? The Sith-Busters, as they were quickly dubbed_."

Obi-Wan groaned, grabbed his pillow and stuffed it over his head. So what if he couldn't breathe? At least maybe he wouldn't hear. Two determined hands pulled the pillow away.

"Now, Master, I really can't let you suffocate yourself. It gets good. I even think there's a sex scene coming up. You wouldn't want to miss that, now would you?"

A whimper greeted that comment. There was no comment Obi-Wan could make to that that wouldn't result in being twisted around.

"It has been a long time since you've seen Master Tachi, hasn't it?"

The voice was teasing; Obi-Wan blushed and stubbornly remained silent. Anakin had no idea, none, he was wildly grasping at straws. Or female Jedi, and he had just happened to latch onto Obi-Wan's closest human female friend.

"Padme," he shot back, and felt Anakin recoil a bit through the Force.

Anakin's voice was a bit shaky and weak when he ignored that and continued reading. Obi-Wan sighed in satisfaction. That had ended that line of conversation quite satisfactorily.

"_The leader of the Good Guys_ – yes, that's what he's really called, Obi-Wan – _Chancellor Palpable was a great and honorable leader who reluctantly realized his great leadership and power was needed at the center of the web, directing strategy and using his wisdom to minimize the conflict as much as possible. The Chancellor loved peace, and he loved his people, and he had no wish to see his people suffer. His fight was against the fractious and incompetent politicians _– hey, good thing this is fiction, because Padme isn't incompetent at all…," Anakin remembered their last night together. Oh, not incompetent, not at all. In fact, he rather wondered if someone had been giving her lessons – but no, Padme would never do that to him.

"Your thoughts betray you," Obi-Wan said, rather surprised when his totally off the cuff comment resulted in a swat against his hand. He winced. "Ouch. I, too, agree that Padme is not your average politician. You know I like her very much. Yes, she's a very good friend, indeed, has been for years."

Anakin's eyes narrowed to a suspicious slit. Padme had learned some new moves. Padme had visited Obi-Wan recently. Obi-Wan was in a bed, bored to tears. Padme was a most accommodating woman – no, he shook his head. He looked at his master, really looked. Obi-Wan was a fine figure of a man, especially for one his age, but he was no Anakin. Besides, Anakin didn't even know if he liked women, especially that way. He had only been teasing his master earlier.

"You're distracting me from fine literature, old man," Anakin said severely.

"You started it. Just wait until I can see again. I'll whip your butt the next time we spar."

"I'm the 'Chosen One.'"

"Yes. Our esteemed Chancellor's chosen pet Jedi."

"Jealous, Master?"

"Actually, no. Concerned, but not jealous."

"Yeah, right," Anakin muttered under his breath. Obi-Wan never had seemed fond of Anakin's honorary uncle. He just hated that Anakin talked to Palpatine about things he wouldn't share with Obi-Wan.

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but…continue reading, will you, my 'very young padawan.'"

"Ex."

"Ex?"

"Ex-padawan. You just don't want to feel old, so you call me young."

"Shut up and read, oh ex-padawan."

"Former, right? You're not casting me off?"

"It's too late to cast you off. You're knighted. 'Ex,' 'former,' it's all the same now."

"And I'm still stuck with you."

"Mutual, I'm sure."

The two Jedi grinned at each other, as Obi-Wan's hand crept out and squeezed Anakin's. "I'll miss this bickering when you take on a padawan of your own."

"You will just have to take on one of your own – stop making that face, Obi-Wan. I'm the best thing that ever happened to you, and you know it. Shut up." Anakin moved his hand up to press Obi-Wan's lips closed. "Aw, you bit me!"

Below him, Obi-Wan smiled and remained silent as Anakin nursed his finger in hurt silence. A smile bloomed across his own face. It had been the merest bite, really, and they both knew it didn't hurt.

"Dang, I lost my place…dark and stormy…web…politicians…oh, right. _Chancellor Palpable knew that the bad guys_ – geesh, can't the author be, like, original? – _were going to invade Shartra where many innocents resided who had no stake in the war. Loving peace, loving people, Palpable called the Sith-Busters into his lush and ornate office. The trappings were all for show, for he was the leader of the free worlds. Palpable could care less otherwise, for he was a plain and simple man, who only cared for peace and justice_."

"The author doesn't know our Chancellor."

"It's fiction, Obi-Wan. Fiction. Made up. False. Not to be believed. Shut up."

"_Avery Cloudtop arrived, dignified and manly in his immaculate tunics, as his master Odi Kendall trailed after him in his usual rumpled clothing, trying unsuccessfully to dislodge a piece of his meal that was stuck between two teeth. Palpable stared at the sight of the jaw working away, and shook his head. It was hard to believe this was the third most capable man, and second most capable Jedi, in the galaxy. They should all be like number one: Avery Cloudtop_."

A low moan interrupted the narrative. Anakin glanced over at Obi-Wan. The healers said he should be in no pain, but it sure had sounded like he was.

"_I have a mission for you two: save my people on Shartra. I am, as you know, a peace loving man, and I need you, the people of Shartra need you – and Master Kendall, I really need you to stop working that piece of food loose. It's not manly_."

"_Avery Cloudtop leaned forward and whispered, "Be grateful he's not scratching himself_ –"

"Kill me, kill me now," Obi-Wan mumbled.

Ignoring the last comment from his master, for they both knew it was forbidden to kill in cold blood, especially if the purpose was merely to avoid embarrassment, Anakin continued reading.

"_I beg your pardon, most honorable and peace-loving Chancellor," Odi said, bowing low in deference to the best man in the galaxy. "We shall save your people. I will make a plan, young stud Avery will ignore it, and together we will rule, ah, save the people."_

"_Master, we're on a mission. I hide my studliness on missions, you know. I know how to keep it inside my–"_

"_Shut up. You don't talk that way in the office of the peace-loving, noble Palpable," Odi hissed, totally ignoring the fact that his hand was hovering, just itching to –_

"_Your hand doesn't belong there, either," Avery snapped. "Jeesh, I can't take my master out in public anymore."_

"_Boys…boys…behave yourselves and just go – please go, please," Palpable ushered the two most competent Jedi in the galaxy out of his office, and sighed. If this was the current state of the Jedi Order, the light might soon be extinguished._

The soft chime of a comlink interrupted the story. Obi-Wan fumbled for it.

"Master Obi-Wan, a disturbance in the Force I felt. Okay, are you?"

"Physically. I am about to kill Anakin, though."

"Oh, reading you that holo-novel he is. Gets better, it does. Kill him not now, good times come for you…hee hee, yes indeed."

"Who else has read this?" Obi-Wan interrupted the gleeful laugh.

"Council has passed it around. Most impressed they are with your prowess, even though with a Sith it was demonstrated. Find out you will, how skillful you are with your – lightsaber, you will."

"I'm never attending a Council meeting again," Obi-Wan growled, sinking down into his bed, mortified.

"Attend you will, or book will be placed in library for all to read," Yoda returned. "The Sith-killer, known as the Sith-lover he will become, then. Wish to explain that to initiates I think you do not."

"I may just kill myself," Obi-Wan shouted.

"To the Darkside, turn you cannot," Yoda hurriedly replied. "Banned, yes, banned it will be from the Temple, once Plo Koon returns my copy."

"I – want – every – copy – purchased and destroyed!"

"Hard that should not be. On the bestseller list, it is not," Yoda agreed hurriedly. It was not the time to tell Obi-Wan that he and Anakin had been booked for a publicity tour. "Master Obi-Wan, er, may the Force be with you."

"Funny, that's just what Chancellor Palpable says to the two Jedi," Anakin chirped, suddenly squeaking as Obi-Wan's hand shot up and grabbed the young Jedi's tunic front at the neckline, half strangling the young man.

"You're not the Force-begotten author of this crap, are you?" Obi-Wan hissed. "I always said you would be the death of me – but I didn't know it would be via embarrassment."

Anakin clawed at the hands, gasping, "No, Master. Um, Master, you don't know your own strength. Can I breathe again? Please? If I die, who'll save you next time you need saving?"

"I don't want to be saved!"

"Sure you do. You're Obi-Wan Kenobi. You're the Jedi who cares about the innocent, weak and victimized. How can you help them if you're dead?" Reluctantly, the hand let go. "Good Master, good Master," Anakin soothed.

The door opened and a healer walked in. With the patented good cheer of healers everywhere, he offered two pills to Obi-Wan, who eagerly grabbed them and gulped them down, surprising both Anakin and the healer.

"They're mild sedatives to counteract the effects of his medicine which tends to make him rather excitable, not to mention irascible, and we both know that Obi-Wan Kenobi is normally mild-mannered. I was a little late with them – as I see."

Obi-Wan suddenly giggled.

Both men swiveled their heads and looked in disbelief, then at each other. Obi-Wan Kenobi – giggling?

"Oh dear, he was supposed to have just one pill," the healer said in dismay. "This isn't good, not good at all. He gets, well, like he's drunk, on two."

"Wanta see my lightsaber? I guess the Sith did," Obi-Wan crowed happily. As his hand crept down, both men grabbed his arms and looked at each other.

"Obi-Wan is really going to kill me after this," both men spoke at once.

"He won't remember it."

"Wish I wouldn't," Anakin said, shuddering.

"Hey, Sith baby, want some Jedi lovin'?" Obi-Wan sang.

"He's really going to kill me," Anakin moaned.


End file.
